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My Advice to #StormArea51 Moonbats: Don’t Go

This is who awaits the caravan of moonbats. My advice to the idiots, the adventurous, and the curious today: Don't Go. You'll be glad you listened to me.

This weekend, some group of idiots, surrounded by the adventurous, followed by the merely curious, and covered by the media, will attempt to “Storm Area 51,” a supremely stupid and pointless act.

My advice to anyone in this caravan of dingbattery is: Don’t Go.

Here’s a few reasons this is the height of dumbassery.

ONE: There’s nothing anyone will be able to see. The Air Force and the rest of the military have long moved anything “super secret” (Black Programs) out of the view of anyone coming to “Storm Area 51.” The people running those programs are not stupid, and will take whatever measures are necessary to protect the program, security and the assets they oversee. Period. If you’re one of the curious folks who thinks you’ll “catch a glimpse” of something, you’re mistaken. All you’re going to see is a whole lot of desert nothing, or if you’re unlucky and especially stupid, a jail cell.

TWO: Most “secret” stuff is actually incredibly mundane. Most civilians wouldn’t know a live nuclear weapon from a barrel of fish. Most folks who “spot” military equipment wouldn’t know a real secret if it crawled up their face and nested in their hair. In fact, the real “secrets” are things most of us who read spy novels wouldn’t consider secret, but to an enemy, they’re incredibly valuable. All of the juicy stuff is printed in trade magazines anyway, but most of it is conjecture. If Area 51 displayed its real secrets, the “stormers” would be very, very disappointed (but national security would be very, very damaged).

THREE: The USAF Force Protection folks take their jobs really, really seriously. The signs “Use of Deadly Force Authorized” are taken both literally and with a great degree of professional pride.

Imagine a nineteen-year-old who carries an M16A2 rifle, practices burst-mode accuracy to “expert marksman” level probably monthly, maybe weekly, and is told to take security more seriously than his girlfriend. Imagine this person told to defend against a horde of idiots trying to overwhelm the security of a top-secret program.

A lot of these idiots who cross fence lines will find themselves prone, on the ground, with the barrels of those M16A2 rifles in their ears. Or, sadly, some might find themselves dead, which would be a tragedy for both the Air Force and the people who are dead.

I’ve spent years on Air Force bases. I’ve been on bases with “red lines” in airplanes with a “Follow Me” truck leading me in a taxiiing airplane. I was there with a full bird colonel in the right seat of the cockpit. He told me to follow the truck, and if I failed to do so in the timely manner, to expect bad things to happen in very short order. These kids who carry those rifles don’t care about rank, civilian status, grandma, or anything else. If you’re not authorized, you don’t get past them. They will shoot.

This is who awaits the caravan of moonbats. My advice to the idiots, the adventurous, and the curious today: Don’t Go. You’ll be glad you listened to me.

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