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Some Movies Can Be Remade, But Not “The Princess Bride”

Some movies need to be remade, but leave The Princess Bride alone.

Let’s chalk up the idea of remaking The Princess Bride as the random musings of a studio chief that somehow made it into print. And let’s leave it right there.

For one thing, many of the stars of that movie are still around to express their displeasure.

And families of the stars.

And an entire generation of politicians and Americans who find the idea at best distasteful and at worst inconceivable.

Enough said about that. Anyone on Twitter who disagrees is either a troll or should be blocked by civilized society.

But there are some other movies we should consider for remakes (at least the ones that haven’t been rebooted more times than a Windows 8 PC installing an update).

Let’s consider Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey.

It was Kubrik’s fever dream, or an LSD-induced bit of science fiction brilliance. If the first 20 minutes and the last 20 minutes were cut from the film, you substituted A-listers like Brad Pitt in the cast, and got rid of the annoying computer, you’d have… Ad Astra. Never mind.

How about every film ever made by James Cameron?

In all honesty, most of them have already been sequeled to death or turned into theme parks, at least any movie featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sigourney Weaver (that covers most of them). However, remaking Aliens is the best idea since nuking them from orbit. It would be a fitting homage to Bill “Game Over!” Paxton (who made several movies with Cameron, Weaver and Ahhhhnold).

Both Titanic and Avatar should be remade, starting by eliminating every other word in the script and every other shot in editing. Start there, and end it like Ender’s Game with Sully (Sam Worthington) inadvertently destroying Pandora while trying to stop Colonel Quaritch (Stephen Lang) from nuking it from orbit. A big Pandora-shattering boom at the end, reminiscent of Alderaan. It helps that both Worthington and Lang are around to make the movie–shoot the Titanic remake at the same time, using the same cast to save money, and the same plot because that ship ain’t getting any more sunk.

They should remake The Godfather, because so many people of this generation haven’t seen it and don’t get the cultural references. I mean how many directors get to put a horse’s head in a bed outside of a horror flick? Who would play Brando’s part? Al Pacino, of course. It could be like The Color of Money except not at all like that (except in the sense that they all got older).

Speaking of The Color of Money, somebody needs to remake a movie about playing pool, or shooting dice (Guys and Dolls, anyone?), or street gangs.

Now here’s an idea I can support: remake West Side Story, but change the venue to the mean streets of Wilmington, Delaware, where the Jets and the Sharks square off, only for the Jets leader, Corn Pop, to be stymied by the brave protagonist, Joe Biden. Cary Elwes can play Biden, who retires to become the Dread Pirate Roberts, and live like a king in Patagonia.

Do all of those, but, please, in the name of true love, Miracle Max and Prince Humperdink, leave The Princess Bride alone.

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