As Democrats approach their second primary debate, there is angst
among the 2,352 presidential candidates over Joe Biden’s persistent polling
lead. The other candidates and their supporters are reportedly bristling at the
fact that Biden, an old, white man, maintains a comfortable polling lead over a
diverse selection of candidates that includes women, African Americans, an
Asian, a gay man, an aging hippie, and a matched set of white billionaires.
“He didn’t build
that,” Elizabeth Warren said of Biden’s widespread polling support at a recent
secret meeting of the Democratic hopefuls. “He inherited most of those voters from
Barack Obama since they remember him as Obama’s running mate.”
“That’s called ‘white privilege,’” Kamala Harris added. “He’s
taking votes from a black man when there are other black candidates in the race
who should be getting those votes.”
Bernie Sanders, who has consistently run a distant second to
Biden, argued that taking support from the frontrunner and distributing it to
other candidates was the most progressive thing that the Democratic Party could
“From each according to his polling numbers to each according to his need,”
Sanders quipped, “and I really need another 10 to 15 percent in the polls. Redistributing
some of the Joe’s polling numbers is only fair since he has plenty of them and
so many of us don’t. We need to share the wealth.”
“That’s right,” said Kirsten Gillibrand.
“I don’t get it,” Sanders continued, “I was a rock star in
2016 and now no one pays attention to me. Isn’t this old Jewish socialist
radical enough anymore? I’m still hip.”
“You think you’ve got it bad,” Beto O’Rourke chimed in, “What
about me? I almost beat Ted Cruz in Texas just last year and now I can’t get
“I mean seriously, bro,” he continued, “I’m standing up on
tables everywhere and generally raising a ruckus, but it’s like no one knows I’m
alive. I think I’m having an existential crisis. Maybe if I shot someone on
“I’d like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love,”
spoke up Marianne Williamson, “Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white
turtle doves… but not just white turtle doves. As I told the prime minister of
New Zealand, in my vision of America, turtle doves of all races, creeds, colors
and sexual orientations are loved and welcome.”
“Um, yeah,” replied Amy Klobuchar. “That Joe Biden makes me
so mad that I could stab him with my salad fork. I was the first moderate in this
race and I’m a woman on top of that, don’t you know! If it wasn’t for Joe
Biden, I’d be getting those moderate votes.”
“That’s right,” said Kirsten Gillibrand.
“I deserve those poll numbers more than anyone,” exclaimed
Andrew Yang. “They talk about Elizabeth Warren’s plans, but I’ve got a plan for
everything and my plans are more realistic than hers. Well, except for the
universal basic income. I put that in there as a joke. But seriously, if space
aliens abduct America’s honeybees, I have a plan for it. It’s on my Yang Gang
“I can pay for those voters,” burst Pete Buttigieg. “Since
the first debate, I’ve raked in the donations but only about a dozen voters
will admit to supporting me. What sense does that make?”
“That’s because you’re gay,” answered Tulsi Gabbard. “Homosexual
men across the country are supporting you and everybody knows that they have
lots of money from their careers and since they don’t have kids, they get to
keep it. Unlike the cis gender voters with kids whose money goes out as soon as
it comes in, your voters have disposable income left over to send to you.”
“That sounds a bit homophobic,” John Hickenlooper jumped in.
“Sorry,” Gabbard replied. “Force of habit. Who are you
“I’d like to each the world to sing in perfect harmony,” Williamson
broke in. “I’d like to buy the world a coke and keep it company.”
“Yes,” nodded Kirsten Gillibrand gravely.
The door flew open and Joe Biden burst into the room.
“Hey old buddies, what is everybody doing here? I hope you’re
not planning to stab Old Joe in the back. Et tu, Kamala?” Biden asked with a
“We want your polling numbers, Joe,” Harris replied. “It’s
time for some affirmative action so bus your numbers on over to Kamala.”
“It’s for the greater good, Joe,” Elizabeth Warren said. “Modern
Democrats are too woke to get behind a white, cis male like you.”
At that point, Biden calmly donned his aviator sunglasses
and reached for a double-barrel shotgun that he had concealed just outside the
door. Biden fired a blast into the air. Pieces of ceiling tile and shattered
glass rained down as the candidates scattered and ran for the exits.
“That always works,” Biden cackled.
The meeting was adjourned.
[In case you haven’t guessed by now, this is presentation of Resurgent Satire.}