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The Resurgent’s Guide to Survival: Rattlesnake Edition

A Texas homeowner thought that he had just a few snakes under his house.

I should stop right there before I go any further. There is no such thing as just a few snakes. One snake is too many.

Now this is the part where people tell me that snakes were here before us, that they help keep the rats away, and that they’re just as scared of us as we are of them. Let’s address these one at a time.

1.) “Snakes were here before us.”

So was the devil. What’s the point?

2.) “They help keep the rats away.”

So do mousetraps. You know, the kinds that you put peanut butter or those cheese slices that aren’t really cheese on and hear a pop in the middle of the night. Everyone knows that the bubonic plague spread because mousetraps and slices of imitation cheese had not been invented yet.

3.) “They’re just as scared of us as we are of them.”

Who is this supposed to help? People kill snakes because of fear. Snakes kill people because of fear. This argument is all rattle and no bite.

Well, it turned out to be more than just a few snakes under that house. A company by the name of Big Country Snake Removal came to the rescue and pulled out, get this, 45 snakes from underneath the house.

First of all, the guy who works at Big Country Snake Removal needs a raise. Let’s just say that his name is Jake, for obvious reasons. Whatever Jake is getting paid, it isn’t enough. If I were him, I’d follow the lead of Pittsburg Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell and sit out until I got more money. Here’s how that would look.

Homeowner: “Yes, is this Big Country Snake Removal?”

Jake: “Sure is.”

Homeowner: “Look, I think I got a few snakes under my house I need you to come and get out.”

Jake: “Sure thing. That’ll be $10,000 per snake.”

Homeowner: “$10,000 per snake! There’s probably like three snakes down there. I ain’t paying for that.”

Jake: “No problem. Hey, did you hear about that one time when a snake crawled up into a house through a toilet?”

Homeowner: “Do you take a check?”

Reports say that the actual snake removal took several hours. You bet it did! Just imagine all the time it takes to pray, put on a snake-proof suit, enter crawlspace, acquire snake, gently place in neighbor’s yard, and pray again. 45 times. That’s a full day.

If you ever happen to find yourself in a situation where 45 rattlesnakes are squatting in your crawlspace, here’s what you do.


I don’t care if the land has been in your family for years. I don’t care if your friends live close by or you like the schools.


These are snakes we’re talking about. But they’re not just any snakes. You may not know this but all snakes are deadly. Sure, they’re not all poisonous but they all have the ability to give a human being a heart attack. All they have to do is just sit there. Rattlesnakes are even worse. The mere picture of a rattlesnake has the power to kill ten men. Now imagine sleeping over 45 of them.

And let’s take a closer look at the number 45.

If I’m the homeowner, I’m pressing Jake about that number. The chances are high that Jake was getting tired, his son’s baseball practice was coming up in just a few minutes, and there was one dark corner of the crawlspace that didn’t look too promising so our fearless hero just said to himself, “45 is a good round number.”

I’d want proof that Jake didn’t passover a rattler daycare overseen by five or six pregnant mama rattlers. The number 45 is suspect. And because you never can be sure that Jake got them all or that a few latecomers won’t slither to the party tomorrow, you have no other choice but to move.

To Vermont.

There are no snakes in Vermont because the average temperature there is -4 degrees. In the summer, which lasts for one day, the temperature climbs to 16 degrees.

Vermont is a beautiful, historical state. Great people live there. It was also the home to the famous inventor John Deere. Vermont is a very progressive state that’s basically like America’s version of socialist Europe.

On second thought, you should stay in Texas.

I’m sure Jake got all of the snakes.


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