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Captain Marvel: Let Me Mansplain the Goddess

Disney set out to make an MCU Goddess. They succeeded. And in spite of themselves, it was a fun flick. Brianne Sidonie Desaulniers (Brie Larson) is no goddess. But she became Marvel’s Goddess, a Wonder Woman who needs no lasso, armbands, or anything else.

And she definitely don’t need no man.

No Jules Winnfield-aged Samuel L. Jackson (his wallet says “bad m-fer!”), Jude Law (as Albus Dumbledore), Ben Mendelsohn (as the Empire villain Orson Krennic, or as Sheriff of Nottingham), Dijmon Hounsou (as Korath, and Korath who was killed by Drax the Destroyer), or Lee Pace (Ronan the Accuser, and Ronan the Accuser who was danced-off into eternity by the Pelvic Sorcerer) is gonna stand in the way of Desaulniers and her feminine destiny as Queen, nay, Goddess, of the MCU.

In fact, not the entirety of the Guardians of the Galaxy, the Avengers, all the denizens of Asgard, the Kree Supreme Intelligence, the Collector, the Gamemaster, the Black Panther, and Steve Rogers could thwart Mar Vel/Carol Danvers. She is the female Thanos who, were she in Infinity War, would simply have plucked the Gauntlet from his pudgy fist and worn it as a tiara.

But this is a movie, not real life. So Disney/Marvel, in all its woke, scared of a kitty cat glory, made a Goddess who don’t need no man. For some, that’s enough to foment hate for the whole movie, but not for me.

I actually enjoyed it–not all of it, mind you–but most of it.

There’s a rule in filmmaking for those not named George Lucas. That rule is you show the audience who the characters are, not tell them. Directors Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck broke that rule with such force and in so many ways that it’s a wonder the screen doesn’t explode into a fiery hole every time Captain Marvel is projected on it.

Parts of the film were so narrated that my 9-year-old said he fell asleep (he loved the movie when he was awake). Other parts of it were so campy I kept waiting for John Lithgow, Christopher Lloyd, Peter Weller, and Jeff Goldblum to show up as Lord John Whorfin, John Bigbooté, Buckaroo Banzai and New Jersey.

Serious as a heart attack, I felt like I was watching a remake of the Perfect Film from 1984. I was hoping that as Vers browsed through Blockbuster, she would find that particular bit of VHS heaven for us.

My only Spoiler Alert: the Kree Supreme Intelligence is Hillary Clinton, and about as likeable.

Now for the mansplaining. Every woman has to have something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Carol Danvers definitely got the old (Windows 3.1 got more screen time than Ronan, who showed up mostly like the Emperor did in The Empire Strikes Back–“move the ship out of the asteroid field so that we can send a clear transmission” “Yes, my Lord”).

The new (lots of Avenger-style tech before there were Avengers), the borrowed–everything about her was borrowed from somewhere else. I’m not exaggerating here, but you’ll get no more spoilers out of me.

And the blue. She was an Air Force zoomie and test pilot.

The theme of the movie is when She Who Was Wronged gets Pissed Off, Watch Out! Man, woman, AI-Hillary, ain’t nobody happy when momma ain’t happy.

That’s the fun part. Captain Marvel puts her foot where it don’t belong, over and over again. She defeats villains from Star Wars, Marvel, Hogwarts, Nottingham, DC and the other DC (Washington) with equal ease. She don’t need to prove nuthin’ to no man. She just kicks ass, and whoops with delight doing it because hey it’s fun to be a Goddess.

I don’t know why people keep saying it’s “wooden” and “dead” and all that. Captain Marvel, when taken about as seriously as Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy, is a fun time.

All these film people who don’t like it are just waaaay too serious. They’re the people who complain when they get the same toy in two Happy Meals, or when there’s no prize in the Cracker Jack. Chill out or Her Fists will chill you out.

Maybe they need someone to mansplain it to them. When you’re messing with a Goddess, don’t piss her off. And if you do, get out of the way because she’s gonna mess you up bad.

I pity Thanos in Avengers: Endgame. Because Marvel is one pissed off Goddess.

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