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How To Ruin Your Kid

Most parents want children who are well adjusted and on their way to becoming responsible, mature adults. But that’s boring. Think about it. If every family operated this way, there’d be no reality television shows to watch. The real excitement, and if you’re lucky, the real money, is in ruining your kid. Here are five ways to do just that. But you better get to work. There are quite a few parents who have a good head start on you.

1.) Always take your child’s side.

If he didn’t make the basketball team, it has nothing to do with him being slow, unmotivated, and unable to dribble without the ball bouncing off of his feet and hitting innocent bystanders. It’s all the coach’s fault.

When she gets a bad grade in Biology, it has nothing to do with her not listening, rarely showing up to class prepared, and never doing her homework. It’s that idiot teacher’s fault.

So instead of having a talk with your child, have a talk with the coach or teacher. Demand justice! If that doesn’t work, go over their head. If your child is in a public school, be sure to tell the administrator that you pay your taxes. If it’s a private school, even better. Remind the administration that you pay a lot of money for your child to come to their school and get good grades.

This approach is guaranteed to ruin your child. Instead of growing into a mature adult, she’ll be sure to see herself as a victim at all times, even when no crime or injustice has been committed against her. She’ll fit in great at college.

2.) Turn your child into a political crusader.

Your daughter’s high school has a boy’s soccer team and a girl’s soccer team. Make sure that she plays on the boy’s soccer team. But that’s not enough. Make sure that she wrestles with the boy’s team too. And while you’re at it, demand that she have a spot on the football team.

Do this and your daughter will most certainly be leading the way. Never mind the fact that “the way” in this case goes straight for a cliff. Hey, she’s leading! And that’s all that matters.

3.) Never, under any circumstances, invade your child’s privacy.

Leave his phone alone. Let him sleep with it by his side at night. Allow him to stare at it during meals. Put a computer with unrestricted access to the Internet in his room.

Now here’s the important part. Never check any of those things. Don’t listen to those parents who bring up the fact that you are the one who paid for the phone and the computer and the Internet. These were gifts and kids love gifts. Don’t mess up that gift by snooping around. Besides, think of all the new worlds your son is being introduced to alone in his room at night.

4.) Just say no to discipline.

Kids don’t really need discipline. They need a friend. Just remember that the next time your daughter comes home three hours after curfew or your son sets the grocery store on fire. He wasn’t acting up. He was asking for a friend. Mom, dad, be that friend.

Kids will find their own way. They don’t need parents stepping in and telling them where to go. Just let them follow their heart. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, it’s not like anyone has ever followed their heart and done something dumb.

5.) Make your child the center of your universe.

Love her more than your spouse. Love her more than God. Just find a good counselor. You’ll need one whenever you come around to discovering that this approach will destroy your marriage and that kids are a terrible replacement for God.

6.) Accomodate! Accomodate! Accomodate!

Your son has a stuffed unicorn that he takes with him everywhere. No problem. Kids love stuffed animals. But what should you do when he wants to take his favorite stuffed unicorn to school?


Let him.

Administrators may not understand at first. That’s okay. Make them understand. Tell them that he tests better with it. And when he wants to take the stuffed unicorn with him to baseball practice, that’s no problem either. Running the bases with a stuffed animal can be a lot of fun.

Now, some may say hurtful things to you about your 17-year-old son still carrying a stuffed unicorn with him everywhere he goes. Don’t listen to the haters. Listen to your son. Listen to your heart. This will make him happy and that’s all that matters.

By following these simple steps, your child should be completely ruined within the month. Shortly after that, you’re likely to have your own reality television show. At the very least, if you don’t get your own show, your family will become regulars on one that already exists.

You know, something like Live PD.

Good luck!


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