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How To Be a Partisan Hack

These last few years have been very confusing. Our whole political system – our whole BELIEF SYSTEM – has been totally upended. I find myself agreeing with people I used to abhor and disagreeing with people who I always felt were “on my side.” What side am I on now anyway? What do I even believe anymore? It would be so much easier if there were RULES. Well, consider this an easy primer for all of you out there who find yourself similarly confused.

IF YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN

Really, the new rules are so much easier if you are a Republican. Because there is really only one rule. We’ll call it the Golden Rule – NO! We’ll call it the ORANGE RULE! All you ever have to know is: Everything Donald Trump does is terrific. It doesn’t matter if he’s advocating something contrary to what conservatives have been espousing for years. After all, what have conservatives actually managed to CONSERVE anyway? Losers. All of them. That’s why the Weekly Standard went out of business. Trump is the greatest president EVER. Reagan? Loser. Got owned by the Dems. Gave amnesty to all those illegals and NOW look what happened.

Free trade? Yeah, we used to be for it. Wrote volumes on it. But we were wrong. Tariffs are great. Should have imposed them years ago. We don’t need any cheap foreign crap making its way into this country. Same goes for immigrants. No more of this “immigration is an act of love” nonsense. Yeah, we’re saying we really want “legal immigration,” but let’s face it, we really need to put a stop to it altogether or the Republican party is going to get wiped off the map.

Deficit spending? Love it. We were just joking about that Tea Party nonsense while Obama was president. We want more government spending. Because everyone else is getting theirs. It’s time for us to get OURS.

Social Security? You better not touch one dime of it. I paid into it for all these years and I’m going to get it back out. You can just tax all those millenials to pay for it. Don’t even think about raising the retirement age or reducing benefits. We’ll all be dead before it actually goes broke. Then the Democrats can decide how to fix it.

No more of this making the world safe for Democracy either. What has the world ever done for us? We’re done being the world’s policeman. All that ever got us was criticism from the liberals and disdain from the very countries our soldiers died protecting. Let them look to Putin for protection.

Paid family leave? Apparently we’re for that now too. We love big government. Just as long as we’re in charge of it.

We’re still against gun control and abortion (last I checked.) But really our most cherished principle is now “owning the libs.” Everything else takes a back seat to that.

Oh, and when President Trump comes out against any of this next week? We’ll be for whatever he says we’re for.

IF YOU’RE A DEMOCRAT

Things are much tougher for Democrats these days. Policy positions that were unthinkable just a few short years ago are mainstream “progressive” now. Clearly we could have won if we had gone with Bernie in 2016 and pushed a far left agenda. But first and foremost, we must remember: ANYTHING TRUMP IS FOR, WE’RE AGAINST. I don’t care if he proposes raising the minimum wage to $100 an hour, throwing open our Southern border and having all billionaires summarily executed, we’ll be against it just because it came from Trump. Why, we could barely bring ourselves to pass that bipartisan criminal justice reform because he got credit for it.

Abortion? Screw “safe, legal and rare.” We’re in favor of everything up to and including infanticide. Gun control? Yes, please. Don’t ask us how we’re going to outlaw just about every firearm sold in American today. We’ll just keep calling them “semi-automatic weapons” and showing scary pictures of them in our editorials. It’s not like any of us ever fired a gun so we don’t know the difference. Immigration? Let them all in. Because we’re so compassionate. Never mind that we aren’t looking out for the ones we already let in. They can be victimized and exploited. We’ll just blame that on the Republicans.

We were finally successful at making gay marriage the law of the land. (Thank you Anthony Kennedy! You will be missed.) And surprisingly, most Americans were cool with it. But we can’t just declare victory and move on. We have to find another wedge issue to scare the bejeezus out of those rednecks on the other side. So, we’re going to keep demanding that men be allowed to use women’s restrooms and locker rooms. Anyone who objects is just a bigot. Keep pounding that message. We need this to keep gay people voting for us. Otherwise, they might start looking at economic issues AND WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!

Speaking of economics, we’re all in on Socialism now. Never mind the fact that it has failed everywhere it’s been tried. Never mind that we have to find a way to pay for all of this free stuff. We can just keep taxing rich people. Bonus points for forcing the Republicans to defend douchebags like Martin Shkreli and Steve Mnuchin.

In hindsight, our biggest mistake of the last 25 years was letting Bill Clinton skate on sexual harassment charges. So, we have to root out all offenders, even if they’re in our own party. Which, let’s face it, they ALL ARE because we already outed every Republican that even looked at a woman for too long. New rule going forward: no more supporting skirt chasers, pedophiles and perverts. Even if they are pro-choice and donate lots of money to us.

As long as they’re straight white men of course. Anything else is more of a gray area.

We’re the party of every aggrieved minority out there: black, Asian, Native-American, Hispanic, LGBTQ, left handed, color-blind and asthmatic. But our core constituency is women. We picked up a lot of big wins last year when middle-class white women left the Republican party in droves. So, we need to keep them above all others. We’ll just keep pointing out how awful Trump is. It’s been working so far and he shows no signs of proving us wrong.

The most important thing is to remember not to think for yourself. It’s not about issues, it’s about IDENTITY. You are a part of a tribe. Vote like it. Because if you’re not with us you’re with those racist, anti-intellectual Republicans who hate science and doubt global warming and WE KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH THOSE PEOPLE!

IF YOU’RE AN INDEPENDENT

Oh, come on. Seriously? That’s just not an option anymore. You have to pick a side. Sure, you may look at these two parties and think you really don’t have a place in either one, but that’s just too damn bad. Because we have a two party system here in America and you’re just stuck with it. So don’t even thing about supporting that Starbucks guy or those weirdo Libertarians. This is war. And we don’t have room for any conscientious objectors here.

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