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The Resurgent’s Football Recap: What We Learned From The Super Bowl

The Party Fans hated last night’s Super Bowl. You know the Party Fans, right? Party Fans are the ones who only watch one game a year, care more about the halftime and the commercials than they do the game, talk really loud throughout the game, and double dip. They’re only happy if the game ends in overtime on a last second 75-yard touchdown pass where the receiver bruises his spleen and the final score is 78 to 77.

They hated last night’s game.

But it was a good game. Both teams played like they belonged there. In past generations, the Super Bowl was a mere formality. It was the final hoop the 49ers had to jump through in order to make their championship official. The Chargers were just there to watch. In this game however, both teams played like they belonged there, as much as that must pain the fans of the New Orleans Saints.

Speaking of the Saints, thousands of their most ardent supporters staged a protest of the Super Bowl on Sunday. A majority of these folks have no problem whatsoever with the actual problems in the world but feel the need to have a voodoo parade against the Super Bowl. Is there a way that we can let the Saints and the University of Central Florida run the bases before a Braves game or something and just call it even?

Anyway, here are ten things we learned from watching Super Bowl LIII.

1.) The Kraft-Belichick-Brady era Patriots are the best sports franchise in history. They are a true dynasty. You don’t have to like it (I don’t) for it to be true. We might as well stop denying it and accept it. But if you’re like me and you’re sick of the Patriots, here are three headlines you desperately want to see this offseason.

“Robert Kraft Sells Patriots to Founders of the Women’s March, Wants to Focus on Making Better Gillette Commercials”

“Belichick Set to Retire Before Start of Season, Plans to Work Full Time on Writing Children’s Books with Nick Saban”

“Brady Confesses: ‘The Falcons are the True Greats’, Donates His Uggs to Charity, Gives Up Football To Focus On Opening Chain of Corndog Restaurants”

2.) Jared Goff wasn’t quite ready for this game. Some of that is due to the Patriots’ defense covering his receivers so well. Some of it can be blamed on him simply being in over his head. Either way, it’s fun to see the experts proven wrong once again. After Goff’s first season in the league, most analysts were saying that he should have never been drafted in the first place. The future for both Goff and the Rams is bright.

3.) The Rams have no idea what to do with Todd Gurley and should send him to the Atlanta Falcons for a couple of million dollars and all of their defensive backs.

4.) The sports landscape in our country is changing. Let this stat sink in. The announced attendance at this year’s Super Bowl was 70,081. Attendance at December’s MLS Cup was 73,019.

5.) Remember those people who we saw on phone videos yelling at their college professors and administrators for not giving them enough safe spaces? Well, apparently they’ve graduated and taken over the advertising departments for beer companies. It seems that every third commercial was about a beer being organic or corn free. Is this really necessary? I’m not a beer drinker but guys I know who love beer don’t seem to care about the level of corn in their favorite beverage. When was the last time you were at a game and saw the following scenario play out?

Guy Selling Beer In Stands: “Cold beer! Get your cold beer!”

Vinny: “Gimmie three!”

Guy Selling Beer In Stands: “Let’s see some ID.”

Vinny: “Oh wait. How much corn is in this beer?”

Guy Selling Beer In Stands: “I don’t see any but can I see your ID?”

Vinny: “Well, is the beer organic?”

Guy Selling Beer In Stands: “What’s that mean?”

There is a drink for people who like organic, corn-free beer. It’s called sparkling water.

6.) Someone in charge of Super Bowl commercials really, really wants to see a woman play in the NFL. This won’t end well but when it happens she’ll play for the Portland Raiders.

7.) My favorite part of every Super Bowl is when they switch to the local commercials somewhere around the middle of the game. You go from the $45 trillion Microsoft commercial to a commercial for Crazy Ed’s Used Car Warehouse that probably cost somewhere around $13.

8.) Robots get scarier every year.

9.) We need a halftime show where a guy in a tie-dye shirt, jean shorts, and a bandana around his head to cover his mullet throws a frisbee and his dog jumps over his back to catch it. This is something all of America can get behind.

10.) Next year is the year of the Atlanta Falcon and the Georgia Bulldog.

Trust me, I’m never wrong on this kind of thing.

Until next season, happy footballing.

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