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The Resurgent’s Football Recap: The Lawsuit Edition

Wait. Hold on a minute. You get to sue sports figures and organizations just because games don’t go your way?

Attorney Frank D’Amico Jr. is suing the NFL. The official reason is for the poor performance of the league’s employees, in this case the referees, and to maintain the integrity of the league. The actual reason is that D’Amico is really upset that the Saints lost because he was looking forward to loading his wife Dolucila, his son Thibodeaux, and his wonderful lovely daughter Boudreaux into the Trans-Am and heading over to Atlanta for the big game. Now, all because of a bad call from the refs, this poor, poor family has to stay in New Orleans and watch YouTube clips of Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt singing I Don’t Know Much.

I’ve got to follow Mr. D’Amico’s lead on this one. The man is a trailblazer. Now that I know that we can sue people based on what happens during a sporting event, I’ve got some work to do. I already know who I’m going to start with.

1.) For my first legal action, I too will be suing the NFL. I’m coming after them for the Pro Bowl. If I wanted to watch football players not try hard, I’d go to a Big Ten football game. I will be asking for the playing of this game to be stopped and replaced with dogs catching frisbees.

2.) Next, I’ll be suing every baseball team from the 1980s for their hideous uniforms. I’m looking at you and your powdered blue pajamas, Atlanta Braves. I am seeking $4 million in damages for childhood trauma.

3.) I’m suing Nick Saban for not retiring three years ago and for continually using his backup quarterback to beat Georgia. I am asking that from here on out, Alabama only be allowed to have one quarterback on their roster, Nick Saban goes back to coaching the Dolphins, and that the Crimson Tide be coached by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

4.) I’m suing ESPN for their commercials. If they’re not playing Frank Thomas telling me about his testosterone levels, it’s a preview for a movie about a kid who apparently wants to kill his parents with a hammer. For damages, I’m seeking $1 million and an ESPN employee to come to my house in the middle of the night to offer words of comfort to my children and/or myself after waking up from nightmares related to said movie preview and/or Frank Thomas commercial.

5.) I’m suing the WNBA for pretending like this is a sport that people care about. Come on, be honest. When was the last time your friends got together to draft their WNBA fantasy team and wager on the outcome of the game between the Toledo Tolerants and the Wichita Wage Gap Crushers? I’m not asking for any money. Just put an end to this madness.

That should be enough to get me through the year. If you’d like to jump in on any of these and go class action, hit me up. One call, that’s all!

Patriots 34, Rams 10.

Until next week, happy footballing!


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