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The Cranky Conservatives Guide to the Oscar Nominations

Apparently, there was a big screwup in Hollywood today as the Academy Awards nominations included movies that people actually paid money to see.

I wrote my own sarcastic take on last year’s nominations and have decided to do it again this time. It shouldn’t take as long because I don’t have to Google the names of most of the nominees.

BEST PICTURE

Black Panther – Wow! Black Panther makes history as the first superhero movie to ever be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. It was also the top grossing movie of 2018. Audiences and critics loved it. So, naturally it doesn’t stand a chance.

BlacKkKlansman – The true story of a black police officer who managed to infiltrate the KKK. Directed by Spike Lee.

Bohemian Rhapsody – biopic about the rock band Queen. Loved by audiences, hated by critics. Won Golden Globe for Best Drama.

The Favourite – lesbian intrigue in the royal court of Britain. Surprised this one hasn’t generated more buzz.

Green Book – The heartwarming story of a black classical pianist and his white driver navigating the Jim Crow South. So, naturally, liberals and critics both hate it. Golden Globe winner.

Roma – Another historcal first: first movie distributed by a streaming service to be nominated. So, if a black and white movie in Spanish sounds intriguing to you, you can catch this one on Netflix.

A Star is Born – Another film popular with audiences. This same movie has been made four times and they’re all classics.

Vice – Hatchet job on former Vice President Dick Cheney. Pass.

BEST DIRECTOR

Do I really have to list them all? The only one you’ve ever heard of is Spike Lee for BlacKkKlansman. Fun Oscar trivia: Lee has never been nominated as Best Director before. Can he beat out Alfonso Cuarón, who won the Golden Globe for “Roma?”

BEST LEAD ACTOR

Christian Bale, “Vice” Liked him better as Batman.

Bradley Cooper, “A Star Is Born” So great to see him getting critical recognition.

Willem Dafoe, “At Eternity’s Gate” Love him. Didn’t see the movie.

Rami Malek, “Bohemian Rhapsody” Won the Golden Globe for his portrayal of the late Freddy Mercury.

Viggo Mortensen, “Green Book” Aragorn! Another talented actor and fan favorite.

BEST LEAD ACTRESS

Yalitza Aparicio, “Roma” Who? Actually went to IMDB to look her up and apparently this is her first movie.

Glenn Close, “The Wife” – This is her 7th Oscar nomination and she’s never one. Only Peter O’Toole received more nominations without winning. Let’s hope this is her year.

Olivia Colman, “The Favourite” I’ve never seen her before but she’s the new Queen Elizabeth on “The Crown.

Lady Gaga, “A Star Is Born” She’s received great reviews for her first movie. May be the next Barbara Streisand (who played the same role in the 19776 version.)

Melissa McCarthy, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” I LOOOOVE Melissa McCarthy! Big fan since her days on “Gilmore Girls.” This is her first dramatic role. Previous nominee for “Bridesmaids.”

And apparently there was some error this year because Meryl Streep is missing from this list!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

I’d love to see Sam Elliot win for “A Star is Born,” but Mahershala Ali will most likely win for “Green Book.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams, “Vice” Liked her OK as Superman’s girlfriend. Don’t even want to see her take on Liz Cheney.

Marina de Tavira, “Roma” ? (If anyone else has actually seen this movie, please feel free to comment.)

Regina King, “If Beale Street Could Talk” – Golden Globe winner. Great actress.

Emma Stone, “The Favourite” Always liked her movies. When does this one come out on Netflix?

Rachel Weisz, “The Favourite” – I don’t care how many movies she makes or how many Oscars she wins, I’ll always remember her from “The Mummy.”

The only other category of interest to most normal people will be Best Animated Film. Will “The Incredibles 2” win over “Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse?”

With so many popular movies this year, I may actually have to watch the Oscars. Let’s hope they find a host for them.

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