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The Resurgent’s Football Recap: Seven Stages Of Grief

Last week I was wrestling with the very real possibility of the New Orleans Saints and the New England Patriots playing in the Super Bowl in Atlanta, Georgia. Such an occurrence would be like two people robbing you at the grocery store and then you coming home to find them eating their stolen goods at your kitchen table. And smacking. And wearing beads. And doing some kind of weird voodoo chant with your dog.

When Alshon Jeffery forgot to catch that pass against the Saints last Sunday, my seven stages of grief began.

1.) Shock and denial

This can’t happen. The Saints are supposed to be terrible. They’ve already won a Super Bowl. They cheat. New Orleans isn’t even a part of this country.

2.) Pain and guilt

Could I have done more? Maybe I should have worn my Falcons hat more last summer instead of wearing my Georgia hat. But I like wearing my Georgia hat. People say things to me like, “Go Dawgs!” or, “Next year!” or, “War Buzzard!” When I wear my Falcons hat, no one ever says anything. They just walk by and mumble prayers to themselves on my behalf.

3.) Anger and bargaining

I will not write a letter to New Orleans city officials complaining about the odor of their town and the fact that you can literally get away with murder there because they can never find enough people to fill a jury who think that murder is wrong.

I will not write a letter to New Orleans city officials complaining about the odor of their town and the fact that you can literally get away with murder there because they can never find enough people to fill a jury who think that murder is wrong.

I will not write a letter to New Orleans city officials complaining about the odor of their town and the fact that you can literally get away with murder there because they can never find enough people to fill a jury who think that murder is wrong.

4.) Depression, reflection, and loneliness

Why won’t Falcons general manager Thomas Dimitroff return my phone calls? What does it feel like to win it all? Why do I allow myself to care so much when I know I’m just going to get hurt anyway? Why do the evil prosper?

5.) The upward turn

Goff to Cooks!

6.) Reconstruction and working through

Please don’t call pass interference.

Please don’t call pass interference.

Please don’t call pass interference.

7.) Acceptance and hope

The kick is up and it’s good! The Rams are going to the Super Bowl!

But just when I thought things were going my way, the Patriots did what the Patriots always do. They won.

Good grief.

Until next week, happy footballing!

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