Whoever runs the Facebook page for the Emergency Management Agency of Cherokee County, Alabama deserves the Nobel Prize in Literature.
On Sunday, an 18-wheeler crashed and spilled thousands of chicken tenders all over the road. That prompted Cherokee County leaders to post the following update on their Facebook page.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT|
The Cherokee County Sheriff’s Office is asking that no one try to stop to get the chicken tenders that were spilled from the 18 wheeler accident last night on Highway 35. You’re creating a traffic hazard! It’s a crime to impede the flow of traffic.
Those cases have been on the ground for over 24 hours and are unsafe to consume.
Let’s take a moment to dissect this bulletin line by line.
First, the fact that the spilling of some chicken tenders has lead to a “PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” lets us know that we’re in for a real treat. Remember, the truck didn’t crash and spill a box of rattlesnakes or hundreds of containers of anthrax into the Chattooga River. It was just some delicious, lightly breaded chicken fingers just waiting to be fried and consumed.
I really love the fact that the same agency I presume has to deal with potential terror threats, icy roads, and tornadoes also had to take time to address the ways in which people were responding to the injured chicken fingers. That this warning has to be given makes me smile and sparks my imagination. I can imagine the scene now.
Arletta: “Baby, what we gonna eat for the game tomorrow night?”
Kenny: “I don’t know. We done ate up all that skunk that Monroe and me shot last month.”
Arletta: “Well, you better think of something quick. We got people coming over here to watch our boys Roll over Clemson. We can’t just give ’em Red Bulls and pork rinds like we did last year. The mayor did not like that.”
A desperate Kenny storms out of the house and peels off in his car, trying to think of some ways to get a bunch of food for cheap and not disappoint the mayor and Arletta. You see, young Kenneth spent way, way too much money on tickets to the Alabama-Oklahoma game. He spent so much money that there’s not any left for food for the big game.
“There’s a Chick-fil-a,” Kenny tells himself only to instantly remember that it was Sunday and the restaurant was closed.
Suddenly, Kenny sees Charlie’s Chicken Champ. It’s a local dive and he’s had luck there before. He walks in, wearing his saddest face, and starts his pitch.
Kenny: “Listen, y’all are about to close for the night and I was wondering if you might be able to hand over some of your leftover chicken. You’re going to throw it out anyway. The kids at the orphanage I run could sure use what you got.”
Cashier: “Shut up, Kenny. You don’t run no orphanage. You run a forklift.”
A dejected Kenny walks out to his car and drives down Highway 35 back to his home where he’ll have to tell Arletta not to invite the mayor and the rest of their friends because there won’t be any food for the big game. Suddenly, Kenny sees a box on the side of the road. And then another one. And then another. Not one to let a good opportunity pass, Kenny pulls over to check it out. When he sees what’s written on the boxes he suddenly knows that 2019 is going to be his year.
Kenny loads his truck up. As he drives off he notices that there are dozens more of these boxes. He takes his first load home to Arletta who instantly starts up the fryer. He then goes back for another load. And then another. And another.
He wasn’t caught until his very last run.
Officer: “What you got there, Kenny!”
Kenny: “Just a box of chicken fingers. You see, I run an orphanage and…”
Officer: “You have the right to remain silent…”
And that’s the story of how Kenny missed the national championship game because he was in the county jail. It’s also the story of how Arletta, the mayor, and the friends that she and Kenny had invited over missed the national championship game because they were in the emergency room for eating chicken fingers that had been sitting on the side of the road for just a little too long. And it’s the story that led the Cherokee County, Alabama Emergency Management Agency to post the best “PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT” in the history of social media.
So the moral of the story is that Nick Saban needs to retire so Alabama can go back to losing 3 or 4 games a year and the good people of the Yellowhammer State can go back to getting their chicken from Charlie’s Chicken Champ.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Just because you can pick it up off the side of the road and eat it doesn’t mean that you should pick it up off the side of the road and eat it.