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The Resurgent’s Football Recap: The Kale Chips Versus The Banjos

Maybe PETA is on to something for once in its existence.

The NFL playoffs were this weekend and they didn’t disappoint. Here are a few take-aways.

1.) Terrell Suggs is 147-years-old. He was born in a football laboratory just outside of Baltimore and he just kind of hung around town lifting weights, waiting for the Ravens to come to town.

2.) Most of the experts are saying that the Ravens should’ve started Joe Flacco instead of Lamar Jackson. This is foolish talk. The Ravens still wouldn’t have had any offense. When the Ravens acquired the talents of young Terrell Suggs, they made a deal with the league that they could never have more than 101 passing yards in one game. If Tom Brady played for the Ravens and Julio Jones was his receiver, they would beat the Browns 9 to 6.

3.) A few years ago, the day after Clemson beat Alabama in the national title game, an ESPN expert said that Deshaun Watson wouldn’t make it in the NFL. A few months after that, Watson got drafted. And, when healthy, he’s looked good in the NFL. Well, except for the final drive of Saturday’s game against the Colts. Either way, just because someone calls himself an expert doesn’t mean that he knows what he’s talking about. Trust me, I’m an expert and I picked the Texans to play the Falcons in this year’s Super Bowl.

4.) I’m not a Bears fan but man I feel bad for that kicker. Whenever I start to really feel bad for him, I just pretend that he’s the type of guy who takes up three parking spaces, doesn’t return the shopping cart, and listens to Nickelback.

In college football, seeing as how UCF has already declared themselves national champs from now until 2031, Clemson and Alabama will play Monday for the second place trophy. It should be a good game and, as I predicted, the Tigers will take this one. IPTAY!

But I just have one question. And yes, I’m going to sound like an old man.

Almost every college football game is played on Saturday. So why is the final college football game played on a Monday night at 8? This game won’t be over until Tuesday at 3 a.m. People have to get up on Tuesday mornings. Get off my lawn!!

And now, for a letter.

To my fellow Georgia Bulldog fans,

It’s been a rough few days. No, not rough like it is in Gainesville but still rough. So far this year, we’ve lost a game to Texas, lost our backup quarterback to some school up north, and about 75 other players to the NFL.

Yeah, it’s been rough.

But settle down. You, my brothers and sisters, are living reminders that the word fan is short for fanatic. The sky is not falling down. Athens is not crumbling. So just relax, read a Lewis Grizzard book, and listen to some REM (not Shiny Happy People). But before you go doing all that, here are a few things to remember.

When a former Georgia great who is now employed in the sports media world dares to pick against Georgia, take it easy on him. Just before the SEC Championship Game, former Dawgs quarterback Aaron Murray, standing in between the UGA cheerleaders, picked Alabama to win the game. And all of Dawg Nation lost their collective minds.

Look, Aaron Murray, David Pollack, and others like them are employed to give their expert analysis, not tell the base what they want to hear. If they wanted to do that, they’d get a job on Fox and Friends or CNN. So put the hate mail in the fireplace, and just be glad these guys are where they are and doing quite well at it. After all, it pains me to say, Aaron Murray was right.

None of us should be upset about losing to Texas. The moment you saw that longhorn try to kill our precious bulldog, you should have known that the game was over. It’s sort of like that time when Uga tried to eat Robert Baker in the Auburn game. The game was essentially over when that happened. And best of all, I have the moment saved on a framed picture in my office. A friend gave it to me for being in his wedding. Now, that’s a good friend. Sadly, some Texas oil man will have a picture of that cow attacking our dog hanging on the wall in his much nicer office. Maybe PETA is on to something for once in its existence. If we were the Georgia Kale Chips and they were the Texas Banjos, this would’ve never happened.

Finally, players leaving the university is a common thing. Backup quarterbacks leave all the time. Players go early to the NFL all the time. The reason why you go to college is to help you find a job, unless of course you major in gender studies. So if a job comes calling and offering millions of dollars at the same time, wouldn’t you tell your college buddies, “So long, I’ll see you at the reunion”?

Until next week, happy footballing!

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