The laughter you heard over the weekend was all the Atlanta fans when they heard that Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino had been fired. Petrino, you might remember, was the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons for about 13 seconds before quitting to take the Arkansas job. Do you know what it takes to get fired from a coaching position at the University of Louisville? You can run your own crime syndicate and still keep your job at Louisville. In fact, one could make the argument that the Louisville athletic department is a crime syndicate.
Say what you want about Petrino but at least you know what your getting with him. Louisville knew. Sort of. They knew that they were getting a guy who would lie about secret meetings with Auburn. They knew they were getting the kind of guy who would ride around on a motorcycle with a college girl. They knew they were getting a guy who seems to have stolen a playbook from his opponent. What they didn’t know was that they were also getting a guy who would guarantee a win against Alabama just before getting smacked, a guy who couldn’t figure out how to stop Georgia Tech, and a guy whose team would give up 50 points five, count ‘em five, times in one season.
So they fired him.
Rest assured, if Petrino’s Cardinals were undefeated at the moment, he’d still be the coach. That leads to my first guarantee.
Stone Cold Guarantee Number One: After Auburn spends the necessary $423 trillion to buy out their current coach they’ll make another run for Petrino.
It would be a match made in heaven.
The other sound you heard coming from Atlanta fans was the weeping and gnashing of teeth one exhibits after getting embarrassed by the Cleveland Browns, 28 to 16. The Falcons defense is so bad that if they were a college team they’d be named Oklahoma State and playing in the Big 12. But look on the bright side, my fellow Falcon fans. There’s now an even better chance that the Falcons will get the number one pick overall in the 2019 NFL draft.
Stone Cold Guarantee Number Two: With the first pick of the 2019 NFL Draft, the Atlanta Falcons, who traded their next ten first round picks with the Lions to move into the top spot, will select Zion Williamson, the power forward from Duke.
And finally, a simple question.
When I watch games on Fox, I keep seeing previews for a show called 9-1-1. Is this supposed to be a comedy. Because it looks like a comedy. Each week, I see a preview for a show where first responders save guys falling through escalators or inspect haunted houses. This looks like the kind of show that actual first responders would watch and continually say things like, “No. No way. Never happens. Fake. What?!!”
Come to think of it, that’s exactly what everyone in America was saying while watching Oklahoma and Oklahoma State try to play defense on Saturday.
Until next week, happy footballing.