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Warning: Selfies Can Be Hazardous To Your Health!

Is taking your own picture really worth dying for?

In a sure sign that I am getting old, I am increasingly baffled by current popular trends. Goat yoga. Reality TV. The Handmaid’s Tale. SOCCER! (Seriously, Jay. I’d rather watch paint dry.)

Selfies.

That one I just don’t get. I know it’s hard to imagine, but I was once considered attractive. Many years ago. When dinosaurs roamed the planet. Before age and health issues and life in general all took their toll on me. But even then, I was never a big fan of having my picture taken. In high school and college I took a lot of photos of other people, but I’m not in any of the shots. I have been known to threaten people who point cameras at me with bodily harm. There’s a reason the cat is my avatar on this site.

Turns out, I may have saved my own life. Apparently, over 250 people have died worldwide from taking selfies. Not surprisingly, 85% of the victims were between the ages of 10 and 30 (because we old people have a hard time working these stupid phones.) But it is a surprise that the leading cause of death from selfie is drowning. What? Are people taking their phones swimming? And India has the highest total number of deaths. So, don’t try to get a selfie with a cobra or a stampeding elephant.

The author of this study Agam Bansal, told the Washington Post “The selfie deaths have become a major public health problem” Yeah, I don’t think 259 deaths constitutes a health problem. That sounds more like the law of averages and Darwinism catching up to each other. Bansal recommends more “no selfie zones” like they instituted in Mumbai. Russia has also started a “safe selfie program.”

Yeah, that’s just what we need: MORE GOVERNMENT! Look, if you’re too stupid to know better than to try and take your own photo while hanging off a cliff or a moving vehicle, then maybe the world would be better off if you removed yourself from the gene pool. Cell phones will be yet another item that we slap warning labels on. “Do not use this device if you are being chased by a stampeding rhino. Or dangling over the edge of a building. Or approaching Sean Penn.”

So, remember: selfies can be hazardous to your health.

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