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How Do You Lose a Charity Dinner Appearance?

Every four years, since 1960, the Democratic and Republican nominees meet one last time at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner. Usually they say funny things about themselves and others. Usually they read a script written by people who are able to write funny things. Trump must have written his own script.

According to her sworn testimony, Hillary has forgotten more things than most of us will ever, ever know — that I can tell you,” Trump said, to crickets. “We’re having some fun here tonight.”

“I wasn’t really sure if Hillary was going to be here tonight because, I guess, you didn’t send her invitation by email. Or maybe you did, and she just found out about it through the wonder of WikiLeaks,” Trump said. “We’ve learned so much from WikiLeaks. For example, Hillary believes that it is vital to deceive the people by having one public policy and a totally different policy in private.”

“Here she is tonight, in public, pretending not to hate Catholics.” Yeah that’s a wowser, a knee-slapper if I’ve ever heard one. Maybe it would be funny to David Duke.

It gets more unfunny from there. Believe me.

Clinton was marginally less unfunny…but she could read a Henny Youngman script and nobody would laugh. The woman has the delivery and comic timing of a funeral director.

If this is a schtick–if Trump is really Hillary’s friend and trying to elect her–then they’re both doing a good job pretending to hate each other.

This makes me yearn for President Obama, who actually can tell a decent joke, even about himself, or about Trump, as he did in 2011.

“He can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?” Obama said then. Minutes later, he took a swipe at Trump’s role as host of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

It was funny. Trump was not amused.

Possibly the funniest president was George W. Bush. In 2000, when he was a candidate, he told this one.

This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base.

Get ready to grimace, a lot. The next four years are going to be as light and uplifting as a gallery of Brutalist Architecture buildings.

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