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7 Tips for The Trump Emergency Meeting Today

by Philip Swicegood Read Profile arrow_right_alt

According to Politico, the Trump camp is having an emergency meeting today in Orlando with the RNC. One source familiar with the situation described the meeting as a “come to Jesus meeting”. The meeting is commonly thought to be the Trump campaign’s way of signaling its dire predicament and requesting the help of the RNC. After reading the sad state of Team Cheeto Jesus, I have devised a list of subtle changes the Trump campaign should make, free of charge.

  1. Attack more dead soldiers’ parents. Just because someone’s kid died to protect our freedom doesn’t bestow upon them some magical right to say factually accurate things about you. How dare they.
  2. Accuse more Americans of being co-founders of ISIS. Do you really think President Obama and Hillary Clinton founded one of the most deadly terrorist groups by themselves? No way. They definitely had some help, and not just from Obama’s relatives in Mother Kenya. Maybe George W. Bush, who obviously knew about 9/11 beforehand? Maybe Bill? Tim Kaine looks guilty as hell. Perhaps Ted Cruz’s dad was in a photo with bin Laden’s cousin.
  3. Put more states in play for Democrats. You have kept your promise to put states in play that have never been in play such as Georgia, Arizona, Texas and Utah. But why stop there? Go for South Carolina, go for Alabama, go for Oklahoma! I feel confident that if you bring our message to these states, they will quickly turn 50 shades of purple.
  4. Attack Ted Cruz more. Let’s face it, every problem you have is because of Ted Cruz.  You were courageous enough to break the story of his fathers role in the JFK murder, “spill the beans” on his wife Heidi, and praise the National Enquirer’s stunning work on Ted’s 5 affairs. Just finish the job. Say that Cruz is a secret plant for Kim Jong Un. The eyebrows give it away.
  5. Focus more white nationalism. Some say that “not every Donald Trump supporter is a white nationalist, but every white nationalist is a Donald Trump supporter.” But are you sure of that? You know you want to endorse David Duke. Do it. No need to leave any votes in this booming demographic on the table.
  6. Where is Hillary’s birth certificate? Have you seen it? I haven’t.
  7. Drop Mike Pence, add David Duke. Even better than endorsing Duke, just put him on the ticket. Imagine Duke’s people running your ground game. Get Out The Vote or face the KKK’s wrath is a powerful motivation. You need to pick up Every. Single. Alt-right. Vote. Because you can’t count on those Second Amendment people to do the job right.

This is satire.

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