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Snake Bites Governor

By  |  February 1, 2017, 06:05pm  |  @lubbockelitist


Chris Christie should’ve seen it coming.

At various moments during his seemingly never-ending campaign, Donald Trump could sense his audience getting bored. It was during those times that he’d employ two tricks to get them to reengage: Often, he’d talk about building his beautiful, southern wall and then ask the crowd who would pay for it. MEXICO! they’d yell, gleefully (as an aside I’ve always wanted to try this out in a restaurant after a meal my family or I didn’t particularly enjoy. I hand the bill to the waiter, yell “who’s gonna pay for it?” and my kids scream MEXICO! Envisioning the joy on their faces contrasted against the confusion in the waiter’s eyes is almost too much to pass up).

The MEXICO! tactic always worked; it always revived his crowd. But sometimes, Trump would try something different. Sometimes he’d pull a piece of paper from his jacket containing the lyrics to Al Wilson’s The Snake and dramatically read the song’s dark words.

On her way to work one morning

Down the path along side the lake

A tender hearted woman saw a poor half frozen snake

His pretty colored skin had been all frosted with the dew

“Poor thing, ” she cried, “I’ll take you in and I’ll take care of you”

“Take me in tender woman

Take me in, for heaven’s sake

Take me in, tender woman,” sighed the snake

The action was meant to alert Trump’s audience to the dangers of not addressing the United States’ porous borders and lax immigration policies. But I always imagined it to mean something more. I always imagined his referencing The Snake was a warning to those closest to him (excluding his family, of course) that in the end, everybody is gonna get bitten.

So Chris Christie was the first. By now we are familiar with his story. He was the first major Republican candidate to drop out and endorse Donald Trump. He worked tirelessly for the man in hopes of landing the VP slot. He was passed over and put in charge of “transition planning,” when it appeared that there was little chance in hell that there would ever be a Trump win, requiring a transition plan to be implemented. And when the impossible happened and Trump won, Christie was almost immediately removed from the role and subsequently passed over for every available cabinet position, including Attorney General, a post in which he fiercely and frequently “auditioned,” for.

And now here we are. Whether it’s a grudge held by Trump Sr. Advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner, for Christie sending his father to jail, or for the Bridgegate Scandal, or simply because Christie doesn’t look like a government official sent straight from central casting—a characteristic very important to President Trump—Christie is a man alone. A Quinnipiac poll this week shows that just 17 percent of New Jersey voters approve of Christie. He’s rapidly approaching congressional levels of disdain. And on Tuesday night, hours after President Trump announced Neil Gorsuch as his choice to replace Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court, there was Chris Christie, appearing live on television to give his opinion on the nation’s state of affairs. On MSNBC.

She stroked his pretty skin again and kissed and held him tight

Instead of saying thanks, the snake gave her a vicious bite

“Take me in, tender woman

Take me in, for heaven’s sake

Take me in, tender woman,” sighed the snake

“I saved you,” cried the woman

“And you’ve bitten me, but why?

You know your bite is poisonous and now I’m going to die”

“Oh shut up, silly woman,” said the reptile with a grin

“You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in”