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Donald Trump Is Forcing Barbra Streisand To Gorge On Pancakes

By  |  March 6, 2017, 10:38am  |  @lubbockelitist


Lost in the weekend’s whirlwind news cycle—where the sitting president of the United States essentially implicated a former president in the commission of felonious activities—is the deleterious impact said sitting president is having on the health and well-being of a washed-up actress, singer and avid supporter of Hillary Clinton. In short, Donald Trump’s actions, primarily via Twitter, are forcing Barbra Streisand to gorge on pancakes.

In a series of tweets on Saturday, Streisand laid bare her anguish:

“Donald Trump is making me gain weight. I start the day with liquids, but after the morning news, I eat pancakes smothered in maple syrup!” Streisand tweeted.

Then later:

“Trump just accused Obama of tapping his phones,” she lamented. “Seriously crazy times. Time for more pancakes.”

Without discounting Streisand’s despair, which appears to be profound, there is a legitimate opportunity here for enterprising capitalists. There is the call to make breakfast great again.

So take heed, Denny’s. Answer the call, IHOP. Take advantage of this national, liberal despair. Whenever President Trump tweets, offer a stack at half price. When he attacks Arnold Schwarzenegger, get crazy with the syrup offerings. When he declares war on Australia, double down on the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity supply.

The time for action is now, pancake moguls. A gift has been handed to you by the president’s nubby little tweeting thumbs. The anxiety he causes for millions has opened the door for breakfast tycoons to make millions. Take advantage of this opportunity today.

As for tomorrow? Well, it’s National Pancake Day.